So, today a close friend of mine, one of my bridesmaid from my wedding had her baby! A lil girl. We were texting when she was driving to the hospital, when she had her epidural and when it finally came. I'm sure someone else was texting...but still. I had an up to date. There was one text that came thru and I am not mad, or anything like that, really.......it just kinda made me think for awhile. It said, you're next to do this!
Now, I don't know if everybody who reads this knows what happened this year, but we were in fact pregnant and at 10 weeks we lost our baby. It was very weird and sad and a WHOLE freakin range of emotions. But what has been interesting to watch has been people's reactions or comments. I got a myspace message from a friend that was all about how much this happens to women, all the time the message said, etc etc. And not too long after it happend to me, it happened to a friend of a friend. She said she was going to try again right after the doctor said she could. She was 6 or 7 weeks at the time.
I know a lot of us look at this as oh that is sad what happened, now lets move on, but there are so many other things besides just not being pregnant. a) it hurts! The doctor says you are actually having contractions as if you were fixing to go into labor. I had to go thru this the night before my dr's appt on a sunday so I couldn't get in. When she heard this she said The weekend dr didn't call you anything in? It started at 4pm and I didn't sleep until 2am, only because i wore myself out being in pain. And it doesn't just quit, I was on pain medicine (percocet) for the next 5 days. I was running daily errands with a low dull killing pain. b) it's not boom, its done with.......again, it took at least 3-4 days for things to "finish" and you don't know when natures going to decide to take its course, yeah, gross....imagining trying to do normal things to get your mind off it, like going to oh say Home Depot.....and then yeah.....nature! in Home Depot! great.......I'm being as honest as I can be without being drastically gross.... and its not like you don't notice whats going on during your lovely trips to the ladies room....and again it doesn't just happen in one nice quick sad moment then its over. And I remember sitting there thinking this is not my body, this is so foreign whats going on, I don't want to be going thru this, its just like its not your body. Its weird I know. Then you get a constant reminder for 3-4 weeks. c) you were excited to tell everyone you were pregnant and had every right like the next excited pregnant girl..........but now its not like you want to go backtrack, so you don't of course, and then comments come up like "can't wait to see that belly!", or "hows the baby?". So I guess after all of this, its just hard to think of being next? Am I ready to roll the dice again to maybe go through all this weird gross trauma? Would anyone want to go through this twice? I don't see myself childless or never having a baby, but all of this is very fresh in my mind and even my body's memory. Not to mention my husband, he was not absent or in the other room during all this, it was very stressful, traumatic, and we're just in the same boat almost. Right now this out weighs that need to have a baby, I've heard at our support group we go to eventually the "want/need" to have a baby, i guess that ticking clock...?? will out weigh all this trauma and bad memories to decide to try....but for now.....its fresh, scary, and out weighs that need.
So, have I been gross enough? ;) lol....sorry for the post, it was just on my mind. There is a website for all things pregnancy related and a section for miscarriages, etc. A friend I made on there were discussing all the things we don't know if people realize what happens. I said when I knew someone that this happened to, close or not, I wish I knew. I didn't......so, it feels better actually just getting it out there. ;) Again, this blog is a look into the life of me!! ;) This is a part of me now.......
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